Suck it up!

Last night Tracy and I had a discussion about finances, work, fun and toys.

I was accused and rightfully so of trumping any conversation with "I had cancer".

I have literally 46 other topics I want to address.  But this one seems fair game at the moment.

The gist of her message was "suck it up" and get on with life.  Rightfully so I think.  But easier said than done.  I haven't really worked since August of last year.  Yes I rebuild part of the deck after surgery, and I've done a tiny bit of work in the shop.  But just the easy stuff.  Stuff that would normally take a few minutes has taken hours and some I have had to re-due.

The yard is a mess..which I can't stand.  But not enough energy (or energy I want to waste there) to clean it up.

Chemo brain...you forget stuff and no concentration make it hard some times.  But I am writing, skiing and climbing, riding my bike and running.  How bad can it be?   Not too bad really.  Just that none of those things pay the bills.

I think of them all as small steps to getting back to normal.  And it is coming.  But numb hands and feet or the days you physically collapse and have to sleep all day for no apparent reason do put a damper of the "being OK" idea.

It is a hell of a lot easier to ride my bike till I puke or climb a frozen water fall than it is to stand over a bench and risk messing up a $4000 handgun with a few errant file stokes.  May be it is just the mental stress of making a mistake on a $4000 handgun.  Puking on a bike while unpleasant isn't retching over and over again from chemo.  So there isn't much stress in that!

But as Tracy rightfully implied,  I really do need to "suck it up".   People have gone through a lot worse and will again.

From another perspective here is a thought.  A few years ago I was intentionally hit by the driver of a car.  Dealing with the legal aftermath of that was a nightmare (more bitching on my part here).  The recover involved knee surgery and two more surgeries to sew both my right and left biceps back on.  Recovery was/is long and painful.  I still get reminded of one or the other almost every day.  One of my courtroom displays was to be my triathlon times from before and after the accident.  Minutes separated the times from half a dozen Tris the year before and the year after the hit and run incident.   I thought those minutes the ultimate proof of my injuries.  A small picture on what it took just to be able to do a Triathlons again.  The attorneys involved from both sides thought they simply proved I had no injury.  I was after all still able to do Triathlons.  How many are?

I demand a lot out of life.  I demand and try hard for perfection in my work.  I have done it enough (and my games) to know what perfection is.   I seldom achieve it but am always looking for it.   I know when I am good enough health wise to demand the best or just be happy with what I have.  At the moment I am happy with what I have.  But that doesn't mean I am not always looking for more...much more.  That "more" just might be dropping a minute or even a few seconds on the next bike ride or Tri.

Even the smallest of steps sometimes take a lot of energy and will power to accomplish.  It doesn't mean  you aren't trying.

Today I'll "suck it up" and try a little harder.  Seems fair enough today.  And I'm glad she asked  :)
No one  (or at least not me) ever wants to do all this by themselves.  I'm lucky I don't have to.  Even if I may not like the message on occasion.  The messenger is seldom the real problem.